Well, by now you've all seen my return to this community and are probably hoping that this means that things have improved in my life and that I might be here to stay. Unfortunately, that is about as far from the truth as it could be.
Since my last post in this thread I have left my job and am currently unemployed - just living off my wife's income, our combined savings, and the small donations I receive from this community (thanks!). My wife's income is too high for me to be eligible for any sort of government assistance as far as I'm aware (which isn't saying much - the cut off points are pretty low), so financially we are far worse off due to the loss of my income. In theory that may change if I find a new job, but I feel like until I have recovered enough to the point where I can enjoy things like modding games again in my own time, there's no way I'm going to be able to hold up a job where I'm being asked to do things I don't necessarily care about. I took a contract earlier in the year to work on 3D Vision support in UE4, but the timeframe was too short and the stress resulted in my mental health plummeting to zero.
My wife got a new job in Melbourne, and so we have moved cities again. But that is a problem - because the social isolation resulting from our move to Sydney was one of the factors (not the main one, which was definitely my trigger) that contributed to my mental health issues deteriorating in the first place, and we have just gone and repeated that. When we moved to Sydney I at least was in a good enough state of mind that I had the energy to try to do something about that, and although it took a long time but I was able to find plenty of friends to keep me sane and despite all the problems Sydney has, I had found enough to like about it that I had actually started to enjoy living there.
Now we're in Melbourne I have to start that process all over again - only this time I have almost no energy to even try, and so far I haven't found a single thing I like, or even think I could learn to like, about this city. According to all the surveys Melbourne should be a better place to live than Sydney, but I'm having a hard time finding even one single thing to make me see any merit in that, and it feels like every time I try to give it a chance something goes wrong - nothing major, just death by a thousand small cuts (or hailstones as the case may be - the weather here sucks). Things are so bad that even thinking about going outside to find something to eat makes me feel nauseous.
So the truth is, I've returned to this community because to try to take refuge from all that, and to see how close I might be to being able to enjoy my hobbies again. I wanted to push myself to get my mods for WATCH_DOGS2 and Dreamfall Chapters working again then work on something new and see how I go from there, but it feels like no sooner did I return than I am being asked for help on other things taking me away from those - and it's not that I don't want to help - I do, but I was hoping to have some time to focus on my own projects first.
I've had a couple of good days where I was able to get a lot done (yay, look at all my recent commits to 3DMigoto - https://github.com/bo3b/3Dmigoto/commits/master ), but many more days where I just stare at the code blankly and find my mind can't focus on it thanks to the depression and eventually have to just put it aside and hope that my mind might allow me to be productive the next day. This is one of the most frustrating things about depression for me - I know what I am capable of on a good day, but so often my mind just doesn't allow me to do those things and there is simply nothing I can do about it.
Well, by now you've all seen my return to this community and are probably hoping that this means that things have improved in my life and that I might be here to stay. Unfortunately, that is about as far from the truth as it could be.
Since my last post in this thread I have left my job and am currently unemployed - just living off my wife's income, our combined savings, and the small donations I receive from this community (thanks!). My wife's income is too high for me to be eligible for any sort of government assistance as far as I'm aware (which isn't saying much - the cut off points are pretty low), so financially we are far worse off due to the loss of my income. In theory that may change if I find a new job, but I feel like until I have recovered enough to the point where I can enjoy things like modding games again in my own time, there's no way I'm going to be able to hold up a job where I'm being asked to do things I don't necessarily care about. I took a contract earlier in the year to work on 3D Vision support in UE4, but the timeframe was too short and the stress resulted in my mental health plummeting to zero.
My wife got a new job in Melbourne, and so we have moved cities again. But that is a problem - because the social isolation resulting from our move to Sydney was one of the factors (not the main one, which was definitely my trigger) that contributed to my mental health issues deteriorating in the first place, and we have just gone and repeated that. When we moved to Sydney I at least was in a good enough state of mind that I had the energy to try to do something about that, and although it took a long time but I was able to find plenty of friends to keep me sane and despite all the problems Sydney has, I had found enough to like about it that I had actually started to enjoy living there.
Now we're in Melbourne I have to start that process all over again - only this time I have almost no energy to even try, and so far I haven't found a single thing I like, or even think I could learn to like, about this city. According to all the surveys Melbourne should be a better place to live than Sydney, but I'm having a hard time finding even one single thing to make me see any merit in that, and it feels like every time I try to give it a chance something goes wrong - nothing major, just death by a thousand small cuts (or hailstones as the case may be - the weather here sucks). Things are so bad that even thinking about going outside to find something to eat makes me feel nauseous.
So the truth is, I've returned to this community because to try to take refuge from all that, and to see how close I might be to being able to enjoy my hobbies again. I wanted to push myself to get my mods for WATCH_DOGS2 and Dreamfall Chapters working again then work on something new and see how I go from there, but it feels like no sooner did I return than I am being asked for help on other things taking me away from those - and it's not that I don't want to help - I do, but I was hoping to have some time to focus on my own projects first.
I've had a couple of good days where I was able to get a lot done (yay, look at all my recent commits to 3DMigoto - https://github.com/bo3b/3Dmigoto/commits/master ), but many more days where I just stare at the code blankly and find my mind can't focus on it thanks to the depression and eventually have to just put it aside and hope that my mind might allow me to be productive the next day. This is one of the most frustrating things about depression for me - I know what I am capable of on a good day, but so often my mind just doesn't allow me to do those things and there is simply nothing I can do about it.
2x Geforce GTX 980 in SLI provided by NVIDIA, i7 6700K 4GHz CPU, Asus 27" VG278HE 144Hz 3D Monitor, BenQ W1070 3D Projector, 120" Elite Screens YardMaster 2, 32GB Corsair DDR4 3200MHz RAM, Samsung 850 EVO 500G SSD, 4x750GB HDD in RAID5, Gigabyte Z170X-Gaming 7 Motherboard, Corsair Obsidian 750D Airflow Edition Case, Corsair RM850i PSU, HTC Vive, Win 10 64bit
As brief visitors to Melbourne (and Sydney), we really liked the surprisingly efficient trolley system and Melbourne's outstanding support to its artistic community, including many unique buildings and art spaces. You are certainly a technical artist, and this community hopes you can find peace and inspiration in your new home.
As brief visitors to Melbourne (and Sydney), we really liked the surprisingly efficient trolley system and Melbourne's outstanding support to its artistic community, including many unique buildings and art spaces. You are certainly a technical artist, and this community hopes you can find peace and inspiration in your new home.
It really makes me sad to read your story DSS !
I won't come up with some fancy advises, simply because I don't have any !
I just hope that you eventually will find the strenght and motivation, to get back to your life, and a less demanding maybee part time job could be something to start with !
Good luck !!
I won't come up with some fancy advises, simply because I don't have any !
I just hope that you eventually will find the strenght and motivation, to get back to your life, and a less demanding maybee part time job could be something to start with !
Good luck !!
Win7 64bit Pro
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Monitor: Asus PG278QR
And lots of ram and HD's ;)
I hate to see sharing, caring, good people have a hard life, life is never fair. I sincerely hope your life gets better, best wishes to you and to your wife.
I hate to see sharing, caring, good people have a hard life, life is never fair. I sincerely hope your life gets better, best wishes to you and to your wife.
Asus Deluxe Gen3, Core i7 2700k@4.5Ghz, GTX 1080Ti, 16 GB RAM, Win 7 64bit
Samsung Pro 250 GB SSD, 4 TB WD Black (games)
Benq XL2720Z
I live in a 8000 people "city". There is pretty much nothing to do than get drunk as there is nothing happening sosially, but in not a drinker.
But i don't find it a problem,
I like it here, houses Are cheap and people laughable. I don't understand the idea of a booring place to live, i think feeling good in a place, comes from within. I don't know, i Atleast Work long hours and when i get home, i Enjoy some games or movies.
I don't miss anything else. I like people but i don't want them hanging around. Maby its a personal thing, some need more social relationships than others. But mental depression can be chemical unbalance. But most cases its Something more.
Remember the saying " nothing changes, untill you make a change"
I Was happily emplyed in a Job i always said i would never do, as my whole Family is already painters. Liked my Job but Was always complaining about small things. Now i have my own business doing exactly
The same by myself. Huge stress sometimes of Work ect. But still im more happier than ever. And the difference is im my own boss
No one else to take care off.
The point is, really small changes can make a huge difference.
I live in a 8000 people "city". There is pretty much nothing to do than get drunk as there is nothing happening sosially, but in not a drinker.
But i don't find it a problem,
I like it here, houses Are cheap and people laughable. I don't understand the idea of a booring place to live, i think feeling good in a place, comes from within. I don't know, i Atleast Work long hours and when i get home, i Enjoy some games or movies.
I don't miss anything else. I like people but i don't want them hanging around. Maby its a personal thing, some need more social relationships than others. But mental depression can be chemical unbalance. But most cases its Something more.
Remember the saying " nothing changes, untill you make a change"
I Was happily emplyed in a Job i always said i would never do, as my whole Family is already painters. Liked my Job but Was always complaining about small things. Now i have my own business doing exactly
The same by myself. Huge stress sometimes of Work ect. But still im more happier than ever. And the difference is im my own boss
No one else to take care off.
The point is, really small changes can make a huge difference.
CoreX9 Custom watercooling (valkswagen polo radiator)
I7-8700k@stock
TitanX pascal with shitty stock cooler
Win7/10
Video: Passive 3D fullhd 3D@60hz/channel Denon x1200w /Hc5 x 2 Geobox501->eeColorBoxes->polarizers/omega filttersCustom made silverscreen
Ocupation: Enterprenior.Painting/surfacing/constructions
Interests/skills:
3D gaming,3D movies, 3D printing,Drums, Bass and guitar.
Suomi - FINLAND - perkele
I really appreciate your openness and I can feel your pain.
just know that there's a lot of people in this community who love you and appreciate your talent.
its ok to take a break.. be free for a while, do what you want, take a vacation, clear your mind.. and think what you wanna do which will make you happy.. the sky is the limit.. you can do everything you want.. just grab it .
I really appreciate your openness and I can feel your pain.
just know that there's a lot of people in this community who love you and appreciate your talent.
its ok to take a break.. be free for a while, do what you want, take a vacation, clear your mind.. and think what you wanna do which will make you happy.. the sky is the limit.. you can do everything you want.. just grab it .
Hey DSS, first let me say that im not assuming any of this is going to be any helpful, but just thought i'd put down a few things that came to mind while reading your post...
You mentioned the depression returns and you lose focus. I was getting a "whats the point?" feeling from time to time about 4 years ago having been a recluse gamer for many years, sitting still for hours and hours. Not sure if I mentioned this, but I found that if I got up and did some stretches, 3 pushups, a couple single leg squats, and that's it for not more than a minute or so, that feeling would sometimes completely vanish, leading me to believe that at least some feelings of depression really are a result of inactivity as some studies suggest. Doesn't surprise me, since our human bodies I can't imagine wouldn't have taken advantage of movement energy to help bodily processes easier. With my blue collar background, there are so many times when a little shaking movement helps get something moving along or loose from being stuck. Much easier for cells to move through thick bodily fluids when a little movement is happening then not I would think, similar to many real life instances such as getting just a few grains of sand out of a bottle at a shallow angle or getting a couch through a door. Also makes me wonder what stretching is for, maybe its to help bodily processes continue that are lagging behind a bit.
Have you thought about getting an Oculus Rift setup for fun?
For pure fun, PSVR might even be better for the two of you. I follow the PSVR reddit a bit and I just read people discussing how to get the PSVR to send sound to both the headset and the TV so people watching could follow along, more social that way. If you get sick, know that i've read 100s of comments now saying you can get over it.
Moving sounds like a great way to increase your depression, based solely on my own life, unless its to a place with tons of nice hiking spots or something interesting/engaging. A feeling of familiarity and "home" is important in my life.
Something you said made me want to respond with a quote from Wayne Dyer, a motivational speaker who changed my life for a time, highly recommend watching this video. He gets a little religious almost at times seemingly, but its the rational information that is actually the most helpful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzU4cF8frWs
Also, why worry about time constraints? If you can't get the job done, you needed more time. Why not just make the best estimate you can and when you find you needed more time in the end, just tell them, "hey i need a little more time, about a week and a half, couldn't quite get it done." Without any trepidation or emotion? If the stress comes from a feeling about your skills and your programming techniques being lacking, why not commit to reading some books in *some* of your free time, giving you more confidence about the coding choices your making in the future. If its that they want you to work overtime to get it done and your worried about some perfectionism kicking in and you deciding to spend all your time on it, losing your normal life in the work, then why not tell them you want more time?
One thing i wish my dad had taught me when i was a kid was that my bosses more or less WANT me to just be me, they want me to just do the best i can and no more. That means tell them plainly and without any emotion when THEY are wrong, tell them plainly when i messed up, but never be uncomfortable, just speak up when something is wrong. I lacked confidence the majority of the time when looking back i had no reason to EVER feel nervous because they never thought i was going to be perfect in the first place and i didn't know that. I never had any reason to give respect to those in charge either, they used me for my hard work while i always hit the ground running, wanting to do well for the and go an extra mile, WHILE getting paid market value for years, in my case, lower than what my actual work contribution represented.
Think it through until you can think about the worst thing that could happen and not worry about it because you know you can handle it. You know that you do the best you can, without killing yourself, and nobody wants you to kill yourself, so your doing fine. What if you don't get the work done in the time they want, fine, good. So long as you worked at a reasonable level of quality/performance, then you have NOTHING to feel bad about. If someone doesn't mind you killing yourself to complete the work then what better excuse to lose all respect for that person and therefore not give a damn what they think? In that case, why not take the job and relish the opportunity to tell that person that you, a competent programmer, couldn't do the work in the time allotted. Remember that every time somebody submits to sacrificing more of themselves to make money for the company, that exacerbates the idea that they can get away with it, that it is in fact normal. Again, i'm not saying this is your situation, just guessing at some things.
One of the great things about losing almost all respect for humanity recently and becoming suicidal for a time, but while simultaneously realizing that everyone does the best they can with ONLY what they have physically and mentally(their level of ignorance, their experience with this or that, etc.), is that I barely care what people think and I have found that very freeing. I've found it easier to tell my boss that this or that is wrong and I can still of course do so in a polite manner, but mainly I just tell them without any emotion what-so-ever, to help them or the work process. It also means I just do the best I can and feel comfortable with that.
I also don't take ownership of my faults or shortcomings anymore. I didn't choose my qualities, they were chosen by nature. I also don't believe we really make decisions. If you look at the anatomy of a decision between a set of choices, the resulting choice is a product of our past trajectory in life. I mean just think about the reason you choose to do one hobby over another one day. Why? You thought you'd get more out of it? What does that mean? More endorphins flowing? Why would that happen? It might be because you have more experience with it and can do better with it or its newer and your bored with the other hobby. You might think that would make us *simply* organic robots following a trajectory of time, with no free will. It might, but its not any reason to hate ourselves, as we are simply beings who have done they best they could with what they had.
Hey DSS, first let me say that im not assuming any of this is going to be any helpful, but just thought i'd put down a few things that came to mind while reading your post...
You mentioned the depression returns and you lose focus. I was getting a "whats the point?" feeling from time to time about 4 years ago having been a recluse gamer for many years, sitting still for hours and hours. Not sure if I mentioned this, but I found that if I got up and did some stretches, 3 pushups, a couple single leg squats, and that's it for not more than a minute or so, that feeling would sometimes completely vanish, leading me to believe that at least some feelings of depression really are a result of inactivity as some studies suggest. Doesn't surprise me, since our human bodies I can't imagine wouldn't have taken advantage of movement energy to help bodily processes easier. With my blue collar background, there are so many times when a little shaking movement helps get something moving along or loose from being stuck. Much easier for cells to move through thick bodily fluids when a little movement is happening then not I would think, similar to many real life instances such as getting just a few grains of sand out of a bottle at a shallow angle or getting a couch through a door. Also makes me wonder what stretching is for, maybe its to help bodily processes continue that are lagging behind a bit.
Have you thought about getting an Oculus Rift setup for fun?
For pure fun, PSVR might even be better for the two of you. I follow the PSVR reddit a bit and I just read people discussing how to get the PSVR to send sound to both the headset and the TV so people watching could follow along, more social that way. If you get sick, know that i've read 100s of comments now saying you can get over it.
Moving sounds like a great way to increase your depression, based solely on my own life, unless its to a place with tons of nice hiking spots or something interesting/engaging. A feeling of familiarity and "home" is important in my life.
Something you said made me want to respond with a quote from Wayne Dyer, a motivational speaker who changed my life for a time, highly recommend watching this video. He gets a little religious almost at times seemingly, but its the rational information that is actually the most helpful.
Also, why worry about time constraints? If you can't get the job done, you needed more time. Why not just make the best estimate you can and when you find you needed more time in the end, just tell them, "hey i need a little more time, about a week and a half, couldn't quite get it done." Without any trepidation or emotion? If the stress comes from a feeling about your skills and your programming techniques being lacking, why not commit to reading some books in *some* of your free time, giving you more confidence about the coding choices your making in the future. If its that they want you to work overtime to get it done and your worried about some perfectionism kicking in and you deciding to spend all your time on it, losing your normal life in the work, then why not tell them you want more time?
One thing i wish my dad had taught me when i was a kid was that my bosses more or less WANT me to just be me, they want me to just do the best i can and no more. That means tell them plainly and without any emotion when THEY are wrong, tell them plainly when i messed up, but never be uncomfortable, just speak up when something is wrong. I lacked confidence the majority of the time when looking back i had no reason to EVER feel nervous because they never thought i was going to be perfect in the first place and i didn't know that. I never had any reason to give respect to those in charge either, they used me for my hard work while i always hit the ground running, wanting to do well for the and go an extra mile, WHILE getting paid market value for years, in my case, lower than what my actual work contribution represented.
Think it through until you can think about the worst thing that could happen and not worry about it because you know you can handle it. You know that you do the best you can, without killing yourself, and nobody wants you to kill yourself, so your doing fine. What if you don't get the work done in the time they want, fine, good. So long as you worked at a reasonable level of quality/performance, then you have NOTHING to feel bad about. If someone doesn't mind you killing yourself to complete the work then what better excuse to lose all respect for that person and therefore not give a damn what they think? In that case, why not take the job and relish the opportunity to tell that person that you, a competent programmer, couldn't do the work in the time allotted. Remember that every time somebody submits to sacrificing more of themselves to make money for the company, that exacerbates the idea that they can get away with it, that it is in fact normal. Again, i'm not saying this is your situation, just guessing at some things.
One of the great things about losing almost all respect for humanity recently and becoming suicidal for a time, but while simultaneously realizing that everyone does the best they can with ONLY what they have physically and mentally(their level of ignorance, their experience with this or that, etc.), is that I barely care what people think and I have found that very freeing. I've found it easier to tell my boss that this or that is wrong and I can still of course do so in a polite manner, but mainly I just tell them without any emotion what-so-ever, to help them or the work process. It also means I just do the best I can and feel comfortable with that.
I also don't take ownership of my faults or shortcomings anymore. I didn't choose my qualities, they were chosen by nature. I also don't believe we really make decisions. If you look at the anatomy of a decision between a set of choices, the resulting choice is a product of our past trajectory in life. I mean just think about the reason you choose to do one hobby over another one day. Why? You thought you'd get more out of it? What does that mean? More endorphins flowing? Why would that happen? It might be because you have more experience with it and can do better with it or its newer and your bored with the other hobby. You might think that would make us *simply* organic robots following a trajectory of time, with no free will. It might, but its not any reason to hate ourselves, as we are simply beings who have done they best they could with what they had.
I think specially people who Are extra precise and hard working should be entrepreniers as a hard working employee always does the best he can and as long as you perform from your taks you the Work load can be increased. Only when you brake is when they see your limit.
Si hard working people should learn that sometimes you need to "fail" just to maintain comfortable Work load. Or be you own boss.
Strengt man.
Be fair and nice but its ok to be selfless from time to time.
I think specially people who Are extra precise and hard working should be entrepreniers as a hard working employee always does the best he can and as long as you perform from your taks you the Work load can be increased. Only when you brake is when they see your limit.
Si hard working people should learn that sometimes you need to "fail" just to maintain comfortable Work load. Or be you own boss.
Strengt man.
Be fair and nice but its ok to be selfless from time to time.
CoreX9 Custom watercooling (valkswagen polo radiator)
I7-8700k@stock
TitanX pascal with shitty stock cooler
Win7/10
Video: Passive 3D fullhd 3D@60hz/channel Denon x1200w /Hc5 x 2 Geobox501->eeColorBoxes->polarizers/omega filttersCustom made silverscreen
Ocupation: Enterprenior.Painting/surfacing/constructions
Interests/skills:
3D gaming,3D movies, 3D printing,Drums, Bass and guitar.
Suomi - FINLAND - perkele
[quote="Libertine"]Not sure if I mentioned this, but I found that if I got up and did some stretches, 3 pushups, a couple single leg squats, and that's it for not more than a minute or so, that feeling would sometimes completely vanish, leading me to believe that at least some feelings of depression really are a result of inactivity as some studies suggest.[/quote]That's something I used to do (or usually going outside for a walk) and did help, but I've found it has become ineffective this year and now even sometimes has the opposite effect.
[quote]Have you thought about getting an Oculus Rift setup for fun?[/quote]I have a Vive (check out my living room: https://youtu.be/kCV7_0rjYww ), but like I've posted before I find gaming is one of the things that depression turns from being enjoyable to frustrating. There's only a few exceptions that I've found - "theBlu" was a nice serene VR experience that could take the place of going outside on sour days, and lately I've been playing Senran Kagura Bon Appetit on the projector because it's a simple music rhythm game that didn't need any modding to work in 3D Vision and doesn't have anything to frustrate (and the sex appeal in that game helps too... what? it does :-p ).
[quote]Moving sounds like a great way to increase your depression, based solely on my own life, unless its to a place with tons of nice hiking spots or something interesting/engaging. A feeling of familiarity and "home" is important in my life.[/quote]Yeah, I agree.
[quote]Something you said made me want to respond with a quote from Wayne Dyer, a motivational speaker who changed my life for a time, highly recommend watching this video.[/quote]Thanks, I'll watch it later.
[quote]Also, why worry about time constraints? If you can't get the job done, you needed more time. Why not just make the best estimate you can and when you find you needed more time in the end, just tell them, "hey i need a little more time, about a week and a half, couldn't quite get it done."[/quote]I really don't want to think about that - they were a terrible client who wanted everything done in a ridiculously tight timeframe to meet their own deadlines, which they acknowledged was a risk that they were willing to take, but then they didn't respond to any of my communications asking for feedback to know what I needed to prioritise until after said deadline had passed, didn't send me the test build they promised and didn't even end up paying me the agreed amount. They are now a trigger for my depression and I simply cannot have anything more to do with them.
The good news is that we now have a working 3D Vision plugin for UE4 on my github page out of that, that when I feel up to it will only need a little more polish before trying to send it to Epic to see if they will take it.
[quote]I also don't take ownership of my faults or shortcomings anymore. I didn't choose my qualities, they were chosen by nature. I also don't believe we really make decisions. If you look at the anatomy of a decision between a set of choices, the resulting choice is a product of our past trajectory in life.[/quote]Without knowing it you have actually hit on something pretty sensitive there for my depression, but I can't go into the details in a public setting because: reasons (and frankly even in a private setting this is something I would only share with some very close and trusted friends).
Libertine said:Not sure if I mentioned this, but I found that if I got up and did some stretches, 3 pushups, a couple single leg squats, and that's it for not more than a minute or so, that feeling would sometimes completely vanish, leading me to believe that at least some feelings of depression really are a result of inactivity as some studies suggest.
That's something I used to do (or usually going outside for a walk) and did help, but I've found it has become ineffective this year and now even sometimes has the opposite effect.
Have you thought about getting an Oculus Rift setup for fun?
I have a Vive (check out my living room: https://youtu.be/kCV7_0rjYww ), but like I've posted before I find gaming is one of the things that depression turns from being enjoyable to frustrating. There's only a few exceptions that I've found - "theBlu" was a nice serene VR experience that could take the place of going outside on sour days, and lately I've been playing Senran Kagura Bon Appetit on the projector because it's a simple music rhythm game that didn't need any modding to work in 3D Vision and doesn't have anything to frustrate (and the sex appeal in that game helps too... what? it does :-p ).
Moving sounds like a great way to increase your depression, based solely on my own life, unless its to a place with tons of nice hiking spots or something interesting/engaging. A feeling of familiarity and "home" is important in my life.
Yeah, I agree.
Something you said made me want to respond with a quote from Wayne Dyer, a motivational speaker who changed my life for a time, highly recommend watching this video.
Thanks, I'll watch it later.
Also, why worry about time constraints? If you can't get the job done, you needed more time. Why not just make the best estimate you can and when you find you needed more time in the end, just tell them, "hey i need a little more time, about a week and a half, couldn't quite get it done."
I really don't want to think about that - they were a terrible client who wanted everything done in a ridiculously tight timeframe to meet their own deadlines, which they acknowledged was a risk that they were willing to take, but then they didn't respond to any of my communications asking for feedback to know what I needed to prioritise until after said deadline had passed, didn't send me the test build they promised and didn't even end up paying me the agreed amount. They are now a trigger for my depression and I simply cannot have anything more to do with them.
The good news is that we now have a working 3D Vision plugin for UE4 on my github page out of that, that when I feel up to it will only need a little more polish before trying to send it to Epic to see if they will take it.
I also don't take ownership of my faults or shortcomings anymore. I didn't choose my qualities, they were chosen by nature. I also don't believe we really make decisions. If you look at the anatomy of a decision between a set of choices, the resulting choice is a product of our past trajectory in life.
Without knowing it you have actually hit on something pretty sensitive there for my depression, but I can't go into the details in a public setting because: reasons (and frankly even in a private setting this is something I would only share with some very close and trusted friends).
2x Geforce GTX 980 in SLI provided by NVIDIA, i7 6700K 4GHz CPU, Asus 27" VG278HE 144Hz 3D Monitor, BenQ W1070 3D Projector, 120" Elite Screens YardMaster 2, 32GB Corsair DDR4 3200MHz RAM, Samsung 850 EVO 500G SSD, 4x750GB HDD in RAID5, Gigabyte Z170X-Gaming 7 Motherboard, Corsair Obsidian 750D Airflow Edition Case, Corsair RM850i PSU, HTC Vive, Win 10 64bit
hello darkstarsword !
you need to find a job quickly and you have to choose any job, even if it's only a "little" job not interesting. the aim is already to meet some people and to make some new friends or co-workers and activities.
the main problem of unemployment is the isolation.
you are a kind & very talented person, so you just have to clean up bad thoughts by make your life more better.
Talking about your depression maintains this depression, it is a vicious circle.
i'm angry !! Stop complaining, you are intelligent enough to understand that it is useless to lament. I strongly encourage you to recover, because you're spoiling your potential.
you need to find a job quickly and you have to choose any job, even if it's only a "little" job not interesting. the aim is already to meet some people and to make some new friends or co-workers and activities.
the main problem of unemployment is the isolation.
you are a kind & very talented person, so you just have to clean up bad thoughts by make your life more better.
Talking about your depression maintains this depression, it is a vicious circle.
i'm angry !! Stop complaining, you are intelligent enough to understand that it is useless to lament. I strongly encourage you to recover, because you're spoiling your potential.
I really feel for your situation mate. I was reading something a while back which said that bright sparks like yourself do tend to have mental problems which are much more likely - like shown by Russell Crowe in the movie 'A Beautiful Mind'. A movie quote of which I am reminded of is "a light that burns twice as bright burns half as long". Please don't burn out mate!
I was also reading that smart introverts also tend to suffer from undiagnosed Anxiety, which is quite crippling to their lives, and leads to other illnesses such as depression. The main symptom of anxiety is feeling pressure to do too many things at once. If that is the case, I came across a post on reddit the other day:
https://www.reddit.com/r/INTP/comments/6nebzq/a_cure_for_anxiety_which_actually_works/
It apparently changed few people's lives.
Hoping for the best for you mate...
I really feel for your situation mate. I was reading something a while back which said that bright sparks like yourself do tend to have mental problems which are much more likely - like shown by Russell Crowe in the movie 'A Beautiful Mind'. A movie quote of which I am reminded of is "a light that burns twice as bright burns half as long". Please don't burn out mate!
I was also reading that smart introverts also tend to suffer from undiagnosed Anxiety, which is quite crippling to their lives, and leads to other illnesses such as depression. The main symptom of anxiety is feeling pressure to do too many things at once. If that is the case, I came across a post on reddit the other day:
Hey nvidia, why don't you hire this guy for 6 months? He could do wonders with some titles fixing 3D and some other things you would like from him then see how it goes. Just a thought...
Hey nvidia, why don't you hire this guy for 6 months? He could do wonders with some titles fixing 3D and some other things you would like from him then see how it goes. Just a thought...
Since my last post in this thread I have left my job and am currently unemployed - just living off my wife's income, our combined savings, and the small donations I receive from this community (thanks!). My wife's income is too high for me to be eligible for any sort of government assistance as far as I'm aware (which isn't saying much - the cut off points are pretty low), so financially we are far worse off due to the loss of my income. In theory that may change if I find a new job, but I feel like until I have recovered enough to the point where I can enjoy things like modding games again in my own time, there's no way I'm going to be able to hold up a job where I'm being asked to do things I don't necessarily care about. I took a contract earlier in the year to work on 3D Vision support in UE4, but the timeframe was too short and the stress resulted in my mental health plummeting to zero.
My wife got a new job in Melbourne, and so we have moved cities again. But that is a problem - because the social isolation resulting from our move to Sydney was one of the factors (not the main one, which was definitely my trigger) that contributed to my mental health issues deteriorating in the first place, and we have just gone and repeated that. When we moved to Sydney I at least was in a good enough state of mind that I had the energy to try to do something about that, and although it took a long time but I was able to find plenty of friends to keep me sane and despite all the problems Sydney has, I had found enough to like about it that I had actually started to enjoy living there.
Now we're in Melbourne I have to start that process all over again - only this time I have almost no energy to even try, and so far I haven't found a single thing I like, or even think I could learn to like, about this city. According to all the surveys Melbourne should be a better place to live than Sydney, but I'm having a hard time finding even one single thing to make me see any merit in that, and it feels like every time I try to give it a chance something goes wrong - nothing major, just death by a thousand small cuts (or hailstones as the case may be - the weather here sucks). Things are so bad that even thinking about going outside to find something to eat makes me feel nauseous.
So the truth is, I've returned to this community because to try to take refuge from all that, and to see how close I might be to being able to enjoy my hobbies again. I wanted to push myself to get my mods for WATCH_DOGS2 and Dreamfall Chapters working again then work on something new and see how I go from there, but it feels like no sooner did I return than I am being asked for help on other things taking me away from those - and it's not that I don't want to help - I do, but I was hoping to have some time to focus on my own projects first.
I've had a couple of good days where I was able to get a lot done (yay, look at all my recent commits to 3DMigoto - https://github.com/bo3b/3Dmigoto/commits/master ), but many more days where I just stare at the code blankly and find my mind can't focus on it thanks to the depression and eventually have to just put it aside and hope that my mind might allow me to be productive the next day. This is one of the most frustrating things about depression for me - I know what I am capable of on a good day, but so often my mind just doesn't allow me to do those things and there is simply nothing I can do about it.
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Pre-release 3D fixes, shadertool.py and other goodies: http://github.com/DarkStarSword/3d-fixes
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I won't come up with some fancy advises, simply because I don't have any !
I just hope that you eventually will find the strenght and motivation, to get back to your life, and a less demanding maybee part time job could be something to start with !
Good luck !!
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But i don't find it a problem,
I like it here, houses Are cheap and people laughable. I don't understand the idea of a booring place to live, i think feeling good in a place, comes from within. I don't know, i Atleast Work long hours and when i get home, i Enjoy some games or movies.
I don't miss anything else. I like people but i don't want them hanging around. Maby its a personal thing, some need more social relationships than others. But mental depression can be chemical unbalance. But most cases its Something more.
Remember the saying " nothing changes, untill you make a change"
I Was happily emplyed in a Job i always said i would never do, as my whole Family is already painters. Liked my Job but Was always complaining about small things. Now i have my own business doing exactly
The same by myself. Huge stress sometimes of Work ect. But still im more happier than ever. And the difference is im my own boss
No one else to take care off.
The point is, really small changes can make a huge difference.
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just know that there's a lot of people in this community who love you and appreciate your talent.
its ok to take a break.. be free for a while, do what you want, take a vacation, clear your mind.. and think what you wanna do which will make you happy.. the sky is the limit.. you can do everything you want.. just grab it .
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You mentioned the depression returns and you lose focus. I was getting a "whats the point?" feeling from time to time about 4 years ago having been a recluse gamer for many years, sitting still for hours and hours. Not sure if I mentioned this, but I found that if I got up and did some stretches, 3 pushups, a couple single leg squats, and that's it for not more than a minute or so, that feeling would sometimes completely vanish, leading me to believe that at least some feelings of depression really are a result of inactivity as some studies suggest. Doesn't surprise me, since our human bodies I can't imagine wouldn't have taken advantage of movement energy to help bodily processes easier. With my blue collar background, there are so many times when a little shaking movement helps get something moving along or loose from being stuck. Much easier for cells to move through thick bodily fluids when a little movement is happening then not I would think, similar to many real life instances such as getting just a few grains of sand out of a bottle at a shallow angle or getting a couch through a door. Also makes me wonder what stretching is for, maybe its to help bodily processes continue that are lagging behind a bit.
Have you thought about getting an Oculus Rift setup for fun?
For pure fun, PSVR might even be better for the two of you. I follow the PSVR reddit a bit and I just read people discussing how to get the PSVR to send sound to both the headset and the TV so people watching could follow along, more social that way. If you get sick, know that i've read 100s of comments now saying you can get over it.
Moving sounds like a great way to increase your depression, based solely on my own life, unless its to a place with tons of nice hiking spots or something interesting/engaging. A feeling of familiarity and "home" is important in my life.
Something you said made me want to respond with a quote from Wayne Dyer, a motivational speaker who changed my life for a time, highly recommend watching this video. He gets a little religious almost at times seemingly, but its the rational information that is actually the most helpful.
Also, why worry about time constraints? If you can't get the job done, you needed more time. Why not just make the best estimate you can and when you find you needed more time in the end, just tell them, "hey i need a little more time, about a week and a half, couldn't quite get it done." Without any trepidation or emotion? If the stress comes from a feeling about your skills and your programming techniques being lacking, why not commit to reading some books in *some* of your free time, giving you more confidence about the coding choices your making in the future. If its that they want you to work overtime to get it done and your worried about some perfectionism kicking in and you deciding to spend all your time on it, losing your normal life in the work, then why not tell them you want more time?
One thing i wish my dad had taught me when i was a kid was that my bosses more or less WANT me to just be me, they want me to just do the best i can and no more. That means tell them plainly and without any emotion when THEY are wrong, tell them plainly when i messed up, but never be uncomfortable, just speak up when something is wrong. I lacked confidence the majority of the time when looking back i had no reason to EVER feel nervous because they never thought i was going to be perfect in the first place and i didn't know that. I never had any reason to give respect to those in charge either, they used me for my hard work while i always hit the ground running, wanting to do well for the and go an extra mile, WHILE getting paid market value for years, in my case, lower than what my actual work contribution represented.
Think it through until you can think about the worst thing that could happen and not worry about it because you know you can handle it. You know that you do the best you can, without killing yourself, and nobody wants you to kill yourself, so your doing fine. What if you don't get the work done in the time they want, fine, good. So long as you worked at a reasonable level of quality/performance, then you have NOTHING to feel bad about. If someone doesn't mind you killing yourself to complete the work then what better excuse to lose all respect for that person and therefore not give a damn what they think? In that case, why not take the job and relish the opportunity to tell that person that you, a competent programmer, couldn't do the work in the time allotted. Remember that every time somebody submits to sacrificing more of themselves to make money for the company, that exacerbates the idea that they can get away with it, that it is in fact normal. Again, i'm not saying this is your situation, just guessing at some things.
One of the great things about losing almost all respect for humanity recently and becoming suicidal for a time, but while simultaneously realizing that everyone does the best they can with ONLY what they have physically and mentally(their level of ignorance, their experience with this or that, etc.), is that I barely care what people think and I have found that very freeing. I've found it easier to tell my boss that this or that is wrong and I can still of course do so in a polite manner, but mainly I just tell them without any emotion what-so-ever, to help them or the work process. It also means I just do the best I can and feel comfortable with that.
I also don't take ownership of my faults or shortcomings anymore. I didn't choose my qualities, they were chosen by nature. I also don't believe we really make decisions. If you look at the anatomy of a decision between a set of choices, the resulting choice is a product of our past trajectory in life. I mean just think about the reason you choose to do one hobby over another one day. Why? You thought you'd get more out of it? What does that mean? More endorphins flowing? Why would that happen? It might be because you have more experience with it and can do better with it or its newer and your bored with the other hobby. You might think that would make us *simply* organic robots following a trajectory of time, with no free will. It might, but its not any reason to hate ourselves, as we are simply beings who have done they best they could with what they had.
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Si hard working people should learn that sometimes you need to "fail" just to maintain comfortable Work load. Or be you own boss.
Strengt man.
Be fair and nice but its ok to be selfless from time to time.
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Interests/skills:
3D gaming,3D movies, 3D printing,Drums, Bass and guitar.
Suomi - FINLAND - perkele
I have a Vive (check out my living room: https://youtu.be/kCV7_0rjYww ), but like I've posted before I find gaming is one of the things that depression turns from being enjoyable to frustrating. There's only a few exceptions that I've found - "theBlu" was a nice serene VR experience that could take the place of going outside on sour days, and lately I've been playing Senran Kagura Bon Appetit on the projector because it's a simple music rhythm game that didn't need any modding to work in 3D Vision and doesn't have anything to frustrate (and the sex appeal in that game helps too... what? it does :-p ).
Yeah, I agree.
Thanks, I'll watch it later.
I really don't want to think about that - they were a terrible client who wanted everything done in a ridiculously tight timeframe to meet their own deadlines, which they acknowledged was a risk that they were willing to take, but then they didn't respond to any of my communications asking for feedback to know what I needed to prioritise until after said deadline had passed, didn't send me the test build they promised and didn't even end up paying me the agreed amount. They are now a trigger for my depression and I simply cannot have anything more to do with them.
The good news is that we now have a working 3D Vision plugin for UE4 on my github page out of that, that when I feel up to it will only need a little more polish before trying to send it to Epic to see if they will take it.
Without knowing it you have actually hit on something pretty sensitive there for my depression, but I can't go into the details in a public setting because: reasons (and frankly even in a private setting this is something I would only share with some very close and trusted friends).
2x Geforce GTX 980 in SLI provided by NVIDIA, i7 6700K 4GHz CPU, Asus 27" VG278HE 144Hz 3D Monitor, BenQ W1070 3D Projector, 120" Elite Screens YardMaster 2, 32GB Corsair DDR4 3200MHz RAM, Samsung 850 EVO 500G SSD, 4x750GB HDD in RAID5, Gigabyte Z170X-Gaming 7 Motherboard, Corsair Obsidian 750D Airflow Edition Case, Corsair RM850i PSU, HTC Vive, Win 10 64bit
Alienware M17x R4 w/ built in 3D, Intel i7 3740QM, GTX 680m 2GB, 16GB DDR3 1600MHz RAM, Win7 64bit, 1TB SSD, 1TB HDD, 750GB HDD
Pre-release 3D fixes, shadertool.py and other goodies: http://github.com/DarkStarSword/3d-fixes
Support me on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DarkStarSword or PayPal: https://www.paypal.me/DarkStarSword
you need to find a job quickly and you have to choose any job, even if it's only a "little" job not interesting. the aim is already to meet some people and to make some new friends or co-workers and activities.
the main problem of unemployment is the isolation.
you are a kind & very talented person, so you just have to clean up bad thoughts by make your life more better.
Talking about your depression maintains this depression, it is a vicious circle.
i'm angry !! Stop complaining, you are intelligent enough to understand that it is useless to lament. I strongly encourage you to recover, because you're spoiling your potential.
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I was also reading that smart introverts also tend to suffer from undiagnosed Anxiety, which is quite crippling to their lives, and leads to other illnesses such as depression. The main symptom of anxiety is feeling pressure to do too many things at once. If that is the case, I came across a post on reddit the other day:
https://www.reddit.com/r/INTP/comments/6nebzq/a_cure_for_anxiety_which_actually_works/
It apparently changed few people's lives.
Hoping for the best for you mate...
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3D Vision must live! NVIDIA, don't let us down!